Woman Palava: Bad Market (Part 2)

Hey Bloggie,

Let’s get into the final hangout – pizza and a movie turned pizza, two movies and a baking show. A lot happened during this hangout that if I go into all the details, tori no go ever end. So, I’ll shorten as much as I can while retaining all the horrible bits to scar you too. You’re welcome 😊. Here are a few high or should I say, lowlights of the nonsense I got to hear that day.

1.       When we’re about to hangout, I get really excited to see you but I don’t know what to say when I see you. Do you have any tips for me?

2.       I have never had any female friends and women are different from men so I don’t know any topics that interest women.

3.       Are you intimate with or kiss your male friends?

4.       I have urges when I’m around you but I’m not going to act like a monster or anything. I just wanted to make my confession.

All these are ahead of the gist so let’s continue from where I left off. A couple days later, he texts to say hello and asks how my day is going. Not much of a conversation but more than before. In the spirit of friendship, I text him the next day. Me asking him if it was lunchtime led to him thinking I was asking him to lunch and then, to him giving me his itinerary for the week including when he could hangout. Explaining that I been asking him about lunch didn’t change anything. Still not wanting him to spend any money on me, I suggested we do pizza and a movie at my place on Sunday afternoon (you know getting in that early time ish). Plus, he didn’t have any suggestion other than going out to dinner. Just like before, there was no conversation again until he showed up at my door.

To prevent any awkward payment situation, I made sure the pizza arrived before him. When he showed up, I was on a call so I let him in and went to another room to finish my conversation. Entering the living room, I was greeted by an overly loud TV. I knew there was no way I had left the volume so high. So I asked him if he had increased the volume. He simply said yes and nothing followed. Annoyance #1. He must have decided that my phone conversation (in my own house) was too loud for him and felt familiar enough to unapologetically make my TV constitute a nuisance. I let this one go. Annoyance #2 wasn’t too far away. Seems while I was on the phone, he decided to count the paper plates on the table because he proceeded to ask me if anyone else was joining us. Puzzled, I said no and he explained the question by mentioning that there were more than two plates on the table. Please note that there were 4 plates total and these weren’t hefty paper plates. Again, I let this one go o. While I was flipping through movies, he saw that I had weights in my living room and asked me what I did with them. I in turn asked what he thought and he laughed and said exercise. Then included “I don’t know… maybe you have them to hit someone with.” In hindsight, perhaps he was warning me that I might want to do so that day. I should have caught it 😞.

Moving on. I didn’t pre-select a movie but knew I didn’t want to watch a romantic movie and figured it would be easy to pick a different genre. Side note, my cable box just got upgraded and I was still getting used to the remote. After going through a long list, I tried to scroll up but instead, the button I pressed to me all the way to the beginning of my search list! 😡 Out of frustration and annoyance, I picked the first thing that wasn’t romantic by description and had Margot Robbie in it – “Mary Queen of Scots.” Mistake #5. I didn’t bother to watch the trailer and missed the fact that it was rated ‘R’. Not long after the movie started, I knew I had been betrayed by both Margot Robbie and history. Sigh. There was romance and bedmatics in quantum. Enough that I laughed out loud because I couldn’t believe that all I was avoiding had found me. I don’t even think he noticed that. By the way, it’s a good movie and you should see it if you haven't.

We made it through the movie with me seating on the very end of my loveseat. I’ve never regretted not having a bigger couch more in my life. Broda continued to adjust and readjust himself and continued to ignore the fact that I was scooting away and using my mobile. As usual, there was no conversation during the movie – something that is very alien to me. I think he was trying to flirt when he asked me if I saw myself as a queen because he then asked who would be my king. I quoted Queen Elizabeth’s line of not needing a king. Why on God’s green earth would I say him? 😳 When the movie finished, he remained sitting there not saying anything. It was getting more awkward and weird so I asked if he wanted to watch something else. His response was “yes, but please pick something we can talk over.” I said I had no problem talking over anything and not leaving chance for another betrayal, suggested watching an animated movie. He said he’d never seen one. In my genuine shock, I asked why because I didn’t know anyone who hadn’t watched one. Mistake #6 that led to Annoyance #3. He said he just hadn’t seen them and asked if I liked them. I said they were my favourite. I was going to pick something else but he mumbled to himself (to my hearing) … “I guess I’ll have to watch these now.” Can you imagine?! Oh, the audacity! I was livid so I decided an animated movie it was. I was even still nice and gave him options. “Kung Fu Panda” was the winner.

Po helped me forget he was even present. Other than me asking him about the characters here and there, no conversation ensued even though broda said he wanted to talk o! Movie ended, still no movement. I didn’t offer another one and started to clear the table. I put it on Food Network in the hopes that he would get the memo. For where?! Fed up about it all, I was thinking about the way to exit him out (you know my manners problem) when out of the corner of my eye, I saw him pivot towards me. I said “whoa” but he didn’t even seem to care. I saw him land on my hand (he was aiming for my thigh but I put my hand across). It felt like an out-of-body experience.

Mistake #7, I decided to listen to whatever he had to say. That’s how he went into telling me how his crush on me keeps growing, how he didn’t talk to any women during undergrad/grad school and how his primary school seatmate didn’t respect the line he drew on their seat and instead sat on him (I laughed here because I realized it was always the boys drawing these lines), asking what changes when two people start to date, what I thought about him, etc. And of course, the 4 things I mentioned above. Whatever my responses were to make him hear that we’re friends, didn’t register. He wanted to know why I needed time to see if we could date so I told him I never rush and that he was welcome to look elsewhere. He finally did ask if it was okay resting on me to which I responded that he should have asked me before doing so and not later because now, it’s just weirder.

It became increasingly clear to me that even friendship had to be off the table because there was just no way I’d hangout with him after this. When I told him I didn’t have much to say about his person because I didn’t know him well, he didn’t seem to like that. Guess he thought his act was solid. He forgot that when he came over to cook, he had mentioned that a female friend brought him some food and was here claiming no interaction since primary school. Boy please. I didn’t even bother bringing that up. Not worth the effort. After he asked about me being intimate with my male friends, I knew I had to end my prolonged suffering and that was all he wanted... FWB/just benefits. Nailed it! Preparing to leave was when he made the urges statement which didn’t register immediately because I was mentally celebrating his exit. I couldn’t vomit when it registered 😢. But my suffering went on!

He tried to kiss me when I saw him out and when I said no, this man came for my poor neck. He wanted to maul my neck to death! I got free without further injury and looked up to see him wearing a big grin. Dude must have been proud of his accomplishment. I came back in and took a much-needed shower and some wine. Did I mention that he asked about the Nigerian bride price and when I said every culture has theirs, he continued pressing on until he asked what my in-laws did? Oh, and also that he proudly brought me 1 bar of Hershey's chocolate (which he dropped unceremoniously on the table) as a gift? Yeah, those happened too. I wish I was making this crap up. He text me later that night to say “thanks for everything! Have a wonderful night!”

Well Bloggie, that’s all the tea on the bad market I jammed. Person go just dey, palava go find am. I’ll repress the other horrors. Again, you're welcome. This week, we’re listening to Patoranking’s “See Brother” because it seems to fit.

Stay safe and well!
Tonia