The True Value of Friends

‘Allo Bloggie,

I was watching an episode of a Nigerian #webseries called “The Men’s Club” aka #TMC and apart from all the great romance and drama in the series, last week’s episode (here) left me thinking about the true value of #friends. Coincidentally, my sisters and I have found ourselves talking about true friendships and how relationships at home differ from those we’ve witnessed in diaspora. We’ve found ourselves being grateful for the friends we have and how deeply rooted and valued our friendships are. Obviously, not all Nigerian friendships are perfect (that would just be inhuman) but I feel like we had the expectation in the back of our heads that people would make mistakes and that we would need to put in some work.

Growing up, you could easily tell who a person’s best/great friend was by the way they talked about them and by the familiarity within families. As with any serious relationship, family members have heard about and met your friends. I never knew anyone who had a best friend within one week of meeting. No lie, I’m high key afraid of people who claim best friend status easily. That tells me that you’ll go wherever the breeze blows and that your friendships are rooted in fleeting moments. To me, when you call someone your best friend, that relationship has gone through several moments, laughs, trials and at least one fight. Aka, you’ve invested time knowing each other.
In my experience, good friends are in some way, a part of the family. They’re so close in fact that when your parents are having a hard time convincing you to do something, they might turn to your good friends to help you see reason. When they want to know your whereabouts, they know which friends to call. When you’ve had a big fight with your family members, your crimes might be reported to your friends because your family trusts your friends will talk some sense into you. And lastly, when you need to ask for forgiveness, good friends will be right next to you as you plead. Sometimes, you can’t even tell who committed the crime. The begging is that deep.

In the last episode of TMC (and even the previous one), we saw what it meant to be your brother’s keeper. These guys went beyond the surface for each other. It was very clear that the guys had all been through tougher times together and pulled through with the support of each other. If you have a friend who will put honesty above your friendship, be very glad. It means they want you to become better than you are even if it means you might kick them out of your life. Great friends know which buttons to push to get you to do the right thing (and sometimes the wrong thing but that’s another matter).
A recent example of this in my life had to do with my weight gain. Something so simple, yet so eye opening. Back in the day, I wanted nothing more than to gain some weight so I could look a little less muscular (talk about being careful what you wish for). Fast forward to when I started to gain weight uncontrollably and was feeling as though I was morphing into someone else. The company I kept, was telling me to my face that the excess weight gain was all in my head while they mocked my attempts at weight loss behind my back. But… jokes are on them now. All this is to say that none of my good friends hesitated to say “babe, this thing has gone far o.” To them, if I was complaining about my weight, I obviously wasn’t happy with it so they put that above my feelings. Finish.

Another thing TMC shows us is that friends show up for each other. When your friend is hurting, you’re hurting too. And most importantly, you don’t need to be asked to show up. If you can see the hurt, hear the hurt, or sense the hurt, be there for your friend. If you’re happy off someone else’s unhappiness, that isn’t friendship.

I’ll stop with what friendship isn’t and an example. Friendship isn’t knowing people just for the sake of using them. During my first international student orientation, my international student advisor mentioned that we shouldn’t expect that because we had taken a class with a fellow student and hung out together, that meant we were friends. She said as soon as a semester is finished, most friendships are also finished. I was baffled and thought for sure she was joking. A few months later (and in the years to come), I confirmed it was a thing. The first incident was with this girl who used to come pick me up from my place almost all semester so we could study together at the library. During the following semester, I ran into her in a hallway and said “hi.” She totally blanked me and left me wondering if I don crase. I was really searching my brain for the fight we had. And just like that, the words of my international advisor came to mind and they have never left.

I became careful afterwards since I had never known anyone to shun a greeting. I can guarantee that if I saw someone from my secondary school days, we would still greet each other. Unless they did really terrible things to me then. But I’ll want them to be ashamed so… I’ll greet 😃.

With the onslaught of virtual friends, more and more people keep missing out on the many advantages of solid friendships. I don’t know what my life would be like if I didn’t have my peeps who make my life colourful and I can't bring myself to imagine it.

What about you? Are you team investing in relationships or do you think they’re overrated?
I hope you give TMC a chance! You won’t regret it.

This week's jam is Styl Plus' "Ima", a song about showing love. 

Have an awesome week, 

Tonia