Miss Independent

Hey Bloggie!

So weather-wise, we had a ton of ice yesterday. Silly me still came in to the office due to restlessness in the apartment. Well today, we had a blizzard! And you guessed it. I came to the office. Except today, I’m really glad I did. My lunch is part of the inspiration for this post. Getting home is another matter though. Sigh.

A few days ago, this conversation happened.

Guy: I feel ashamed that your friend got you groceries because as the guy in your life, that’s my duty.

Girl: You don’t have to feel ashamed. I didn't ask for groceries before my friend got me them. We’re just cool and usually do stuff like that out of habit.

Guy: Don’t tell me you’re one of those miss independent girls.

Break. Pause. Before I even tell you what her response was, let’s talk about this. Among the list of phrases I abhor, is definitely the “miss independent” one. In this instance, how is this girl’s response one of I’m too independent for you? By the way, what does that even mean? As humans, I thought we were all born independently.  Dependence in my opinion is learnt as we grow. It’s not what we gravitate towards. As children, we all strove to be able to do things for ourselves without our parents. Our parents celebrated every little step of independence we took. We then learnt that there were things we needed parents and others to do for us/assist us with. This is also the case when you go through school, work or embark on any singular task. You learn dependence and teamwork.

Why then is it that some men (and some women) believe in the notion that women are naturally dependent and learn independence??? If we independently obtained degrees, jobs, accolades, income and whatever else there is in the world and you as a man are well aware of these, shouldn't we instead be having conversations as partners? And learning to depend on each other? Instead of automatically depending on you because you've arrived in my life. One of my sisters and I were discussing along this line yesterday and we laughed at the notion of depending on every guy who had shown up in our lives (like they had expected us to). Do you know what sort of broken girl you would meet at that juncture?

Time and time again, I meet guys who immediately “feel” that I’m too independent and won't know how to take care of my husband. I in turn say, “I will take perfect care of my husband as long as he isn't you.” You might not agree, but I believe that dependence in a relationship should be earned as well as learnt by both partners. A man should be able to depend on his partner and likewise a woman.

I went to a talk this afternoon and the keynote shared her experience as a refugee 40 years ago. That time, she didn't have time to find any man to take care of her little siblings. She left Vietnam with them promising her parents that her siblings would go to school. She pushed herself and put them through school. Sacrificing her own education for them, she still was able to make a name for herself through sheer will and determination. Should striving to protect and better her siblings boil her down to the singular fact that she did this without a man? Or should it be celebrated for the good it has done?

This has let me rethink some traits I would like in my partner and myself. I always had some of these in the back of my head, but I should write them out as a reminder for later.

I want a man who is independent. One who cares very little about the dictates of society because they mean nothing in his personal life. I want a man I can trust to take care of my children if I need to take a trip/fall ill/leave this earth/just because. One who doesn't believe he should be rewarded for taking care of the children we both created and instead looks forward to doing so. One who doesn't believe that my opinions are worthless and is very interested in the progress of both our careers. One who helps me grow and smile. One I can trust to be there in the darkest times without hesitation and knows that I would do the same for him no questions asked. The list can be endless (or in addition to my dream man if I want to indulge my fantasy) but these should at least be at both our cores.

Obviously, not all men think this way about women. I know so many who see their wives as partners and who depend on their wives as much as their wives depend on them. For years, my brother has teased for always hanging with older married couples instead of single friends. But I believe there’s nothing better than listening and watching those who have done what you aspire to do in the future. Each couple friend I have is different and each has added something to my perspective. I know that my future partner might not immediately be what I want (and the same will apply for me too) but a willingness to grow together is more than enough. Meeting a man who is set in his ways while thinking plus hoping to change him is nothing short of ludicrous.

I’ll leave you with Fela's “Lady”, a controversial song at its best. A lot see it as sexist, some as sarcasm, some just leave confused. I leave it to you. Note, words don't start till 6:04 but you can enjoy the tunes :)

Oh and her response was “No I’m not one of those as you group them but I am independent.”

Have a great week,

Tonia